My Window

So many things in life are complicated, amazing, messy and beautiful. I wish I could tell everyone my whole story, but honestly the whole story doesn't really matter. I have had years of sadness, where I couldn't make sense out of anything in my head. I didn't care or think about decisions, and I never stopped and looked around at who and what I had in my life. I hurt myself over and over, and I constantly hurt those that I love. I am not proud, but it has shaped who I am now. Would I change it if I could do it over? There are parts I would definitely change, but not all of it. The truth seems to be though, that when your on the outside, and your looking in on people's lives, it can look magical and you think, will I ever have that? We are all comparing ourselves to everyone else on a constant basis. She is married, they have a baby, he has the greatest job, and I am just here. The truth of the matter is that life changes every day and your life will change over and over again. Life will surprise you when you aren't looking, and you may miss it and have to look back, and you will say, " Wow, that did happen?".

If I was now who I was years ago, I would be depressed and think that life was in a downward spiral. I mean life revolves around jobs, money, and remaining afloat in a crazy world. I am realizing though that it is all false. They do help, but I just recently walked by my own home and looked inside, and this is what I saw; A husband who is not perfect, but has an amazing heart and who has loved me since the day we met. A baby girl who is the mixture of both my husband and I, and she is beautiful and she saved my life. I see my parents who will never abandon me and are always by my side for better or worse. I see all of these wonderful things to be thankful for in my life. It probably sounds sad that I never saw this before, but I did, I just didn't know I was seeing it. When I met my husband, I was very happy. My wedding day was the most amazing and memorable day of my life. The birth of my daughter changed my life forever. For the first time in my life, my eyes are open, my memory of who and what I love is always in my mind, and I can say through all the mess I am happy. Anyone who has known me through the years is probably cheering right now, because it has been a long time that I have honestly said out loud that I am truly happy. I am not sad or depressed, and I am not hurting myself and everyone I love.

I always use to blame God for the downfalls in my life, and for not helping me. I guess I missed his response, because apparently he did help me. He made me learn the hard way, and then he showed me all my blessings. I am looking through the window into my life and I get to open the door and be apart of it, because it is all real. I will not always remember my blessings, but I am going to try and put them on the spoon full of life and stress so I get both at the same time. I love Mother Teresa, and I love this quote, and this is what I hope to live by; "We can do no great things, only small things with great love." ~Mother Teresa