I remember coming home from the hospital without my baby girl. I was devastated because she had to stay in the NICU for a week on antibiotics for swallowing fluid during delivery. I came everyday almost five times a day to feed her and be with her. I couldn't be at home because it was strange to be without her, and I had to be near her. I remember not being able to sleep, crying, and spending all hours in the NICU. The nurses told me to go home and take advantage and sleep, and I rolled my eyes and said how? Then we got to take her home to my parent's house for a week and a half so they could cook for us and help out. I constantly had panic attacks because motherhood seemed so frightening and so wonderful. I adored my baby and couldn't believe she was mine, but I was so scared to have this little creature relying solely on me. I was constantly going through a range of emotions and hormones. My mom told me to stay as long as I needed, and I would know when I could handle going home. She was right...after a week and a half I did go home and began motherhood. She slept next to us in her bassinet and of course I could little sleep cause she snored and made noises. Every time I would bolt up and look at her to see if she was ok or awake. Then it got better, and we moved her into her crib.
She suffered from severe acid reflux and she and I had some stressful moments. She screamed for two hours and I was crying along with her feeling hopeless and stress. I remember my husband calling and I screamed into the phone, "I can't handle this get home now!". I was on the phone with the pediatrician crying and he kept telling me to go into another room and leave the baby screaming so he could hear me. After finding the right meds it all improved. I began to realize I was coping with everything.
I began to know how she liked to be held, soothed to sleep, and what made her feel secure and content. Everything seemed natural and a little easier. As she advances in her age and learns new things, I am in total amazement. It makes everything worth it and so special. As all parents, we still have stressful moments of crying or fussiness, but now I feel like a confident mommy! I am sure this will all continue; the moments of panic, feeling unsure or uncertain, but I am 110% in the game and ready.
It's so interesting to read my journal and think about how much I have evolved as a person and a mother. She has taught me so much about myself and my love for her has changed my life. I don't think anyone can explain to someone who has never had a child (or adopted one), just how it feels to be a mom. It is unexplainable. I do miss sleeping in some Saturday's and having an entire day to myself every once in a while, but it is all okay. My baby girl is 3 months old today....
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